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Naked midgetts

Naked midgetts

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I am a pussy. There's no way around this fact, and no better way to state it. I have, however, taken one or two short walks on the wild side. I didn't intimidate my husky cellmates some of whom were beaten and bloodied, their arrest the result of a fight they were in or a nightstick they ran into , and I'm sure they didn't think too highly of me when I rejected the free bologna sandwiches, pleading vegetarianism, but I didn't shit my pants or start crying, and I consider that an accomplishment.

I have a friend who is as devoted to hardcore as they come. He's from D. Over the years we've attempted multiple times to form our own hardcore band, he because he wants to inspire legions of kids to pump their fists, break their bones, and eat vegan, and me because I think the shit's just fun to play. Thing is, though, we've only managed to get decent material together once, about two years ago, when we were living in Oakland.

In our band of five, I played bass, he played guitar, and we both screamed our guts out for three glorious shows before the group got lazy and fell apart. Alas, those days feel long behind me. I live in the Lower Haight now, and lately I've been back to listening to pillow-soft electronica and clever indie rock, the kind of stuff that would make my D.

I guess that's why, when I happened upon this new release from Oakland's the Dwarves, I felt a certain tug. The Dwarves are infamous. One of the band's crowning achievements was when it announced that its guitarist, HeWhoCannotBeNamed, was dead and recorded a tribute to him.

The whole thing turned out to be a prank, but the Dwarves' label, Sub Pop, which is not exactly squeamish, was so offended that it dropped the act in ' Since then the Dwarves have soldiered on, bouncing from label to label, touring occasionally, and generally trying to avoid fading into obscurity. The act's new release, The Dwarves Must Die , may help that effort. It even features a foray into hip hop that's not as embarrassing as you'd think though it is kind of embarrassing.

Never a band to confuse accessible with inoffensive, though, the Dwarves feature a photo of a crucified dwarf on the cover of their latest, a trio of hot, butt-naked girls surrounding him, looking disturbingly sexy. Granted, the Dwarves are more punk than hardcore, with peppier rhythms and catchier choruses than that chugga-chugga D. But their big-big show last Saturday at the Bottom of the Hill featured two rough-and-tumble groups opening, and it promised some violent fun.

I was so there. The first band to go on was Oakland's Fracas, and it did its best to cause one. Next up was the Sick, also out of Oakland. The Sick is rad. In order to tell you how rad, let's flash back to earlier in the evening, when I happened to be at a pre-show barbecue with a handful of peeps, the members of the Sick included. The band's singer is a guy named Tony. Tony is a vegan and, like all but one of his bandmates, doesn't drink or use drugs. Tony is also an aspiring Zen master, and he likes to talk about things not in terms of right or wrong, but in terms of skilled or unskilled.

According to Tony, being a vegan is more skillful than not. Smoking, which is Tony's only vice, is unskillful. I didn't exactly understand everything that Tony was talking about, but if his approach to living has anything to do with his ability to make music, then he may want to consider writing a book.

Zen and the Art of Fucking Shit Up , or something. Onstage with his shirt off, his body covered in tattoos — including one that spans the width of his sculpted chest and depicts a muscle-y guy breaking a set of chains — Tony looked like a kickboxer, like a fighter out of that Van Damme movie Bloodsport. As he kicked and flailed, screeching so loud you thought the sound was going to burst out the top of his head, his band played kamikaze punk, noisy, dive-bombing verses that crashed and burned, exploding into fiery, chugging hardcore.

By the time the Dwarves entered through the back door of the Bottom of the Hill, the crowd was packed so tight you could barely take a deep breath. When frontman Blag Dahlia and his buddies parted us all like prophets — or just really tough dudes — taking the stage to shrieking howls and shouts, I thought we were at a bare-knuckle boxing match.

Much to my own personal disappointment, though, neither naked dwarfs nor naked hotties joined the Dwarves that night, but HeWhoCannotBeNamed did his best to make up for it by wearing his signature black thong, Mexican wrestling mask, and nothing else.

Step the fuck back. For a few lingering moments afterward, I felt satisfyingly tough. Shit, it was almost like spending a night in jail.

There is also my occasional flirtation with hardcore music.

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